trying to internalize that if i was magically cis tomorrow i would just pick some other aspect of my body/existence to fixate on and blame for everything

like even at this moment i’m still convinced that this isn’t my real life or whatever and that i will eventually be a different person/**actually a girl** even though i’m explicitly thinking about the fact that i do that and how fucking ridiculous it is because it’s seriously just that deeply internalized because i just really can’t face the possibility of having to be this person forever

i don’t know if i’ve ever had like even 10 seconds where i wasn’t either having like really intense body envy or dysphoria or just totally unconsciously convinced that i was someone else or looked like someone else or that i would become or look like someone else in the future and i really need to stop